Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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