oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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