I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
