Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Too much gin, very little bucket
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
