I think I won the penis lottery.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
