I accidentally had phone sex last night
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
