im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
