Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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