It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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