That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
