you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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