literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
