hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
