Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
