When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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