tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
