why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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