I'm so fucking centered right now
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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