if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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