I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
