saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Even the bartender felt bad for me
is wine microwaveable?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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