dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
