I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
