Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
