I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
