We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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