I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
