The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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