I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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