I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
