I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I enjoy the company of your penis
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
