Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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