This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
