so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
