drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
