Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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