Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
