Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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