i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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