News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
