if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
