I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
