Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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