I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
