The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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