if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Success! We fucked roommates!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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