he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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