Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
