i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
