I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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